Thursday, May 05, 2005

What's Yr Sign?

Finally, a mystical belief system I can fully embrace.


Popstrology is the science of the pop stars -- a revolutionary method for gaining self-knowledge by examining the alignment of the pop music charts on the date of your birth.

It's visionary teacher, Ian Van Tuyl, explains:

I discovered that on the day I was born -- January 24, 1967 -- the #1 song in America was I'm A Believer, by the Monkees. On an intellectual level, I wasn't exactly sure what to make of this fact, but I knew in my gut that there was something deeply, even disturbingly right about it. It wasn't just that I could look at Michael Nesmith and Mickey Dolenz and see in them little pieces of myself, and it wasn't just that I shared a birthday with Neil Diamond, the man who wrote I'm A Believer. It was that so much of what defined me -- my strengths, my weaknesses, my struggles -- made perfect sense when viewed against the backdrop of the enterprise that launched the wholly artificial, yet clearly irresistible Monkees. I began to ponder the implications of being born at a moment when America threw its embrace around a made-for-television rip-off of the most important group in pop-music history, and suddenly the pieces started falling into place.

Why was I so obsessed with originality? Why did I have trouble taking many important things seriously? And why did my occasional moments of originality yield things that many people would never consider taking seriously? My head was spinning and my hands were shaking as I realized that the answer to these nagging questions lay in my response to the powerful sonic and psychic vibrations that penetrated my soft little skull at the moment I entered the world. I wasn't just born to the sound of the Monkees -- I was a Monkee, and with that realization, a sense of peace and comfort settled over me that I'd never experienced before.

I am The Eagles New Kid in Town, born in The Year of Debbie Boone. As an Eagle,

Your wings are strong, but sometimes you prefer to float on a rising current of hot air.

OMG! How did he know that????

A scant 11 months later and I could have been born a C.W McCall. Oh, cruel universe. You mock I!

We Eagles are part of the contellation Mustache Rock, with aspects of Lite and White. Like all good religions, you need to pony up the bucks for more information.

All well and good, but can popstrology really help you in your daily struggles through this crazy mixed up world? You better believe it!

If you are an Olivia Newton-John who keeps on falling for Rod Stewarts, or if you are experiencing certain feelings that go along with being a Double George Michael, then the roots of your troubles may be straightforward and obvious. It is more likely, however, that the answer to your relationship issues will only be revealed through an analysis or your Birthstar's relationship to the forty-five constellations in the popstrological firmament. Perhaps you resist commitment because your Birthstar is aligned with the constellation Shape-Shifter, a grouping of stars that includes the likes of Cher and Madonna. Perhaps your current partner stifles your creativity and smothers your life-spark because his Birthstar is aligned with the constellation Reaganrock, a grouping that includes the likes of Lionel Richie and Phil Collins.

Baby boomers beware, the charts start at 1956.

The dawn of Elvis Presley as the Big Bang that opened the popstrological era, and the twilight of Richard Marx as the quiet whimper that closed it thirty-three and a third years later, the 450 stars in the popstrological firmament, and the forty-five constellations into which they fall -- these structures were revealed to me in what seemed like a mere instant, and their interpretive power was undeniable.

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